This week I’d like to talk about the difference between need and want, specifically as it applies to how human beings relate to each other. As it’s a distinction that most people never make, it’s certainly worth looking at for that reason alone, but I’d also like to talk about it because understanding this difference it is key to how I live my life. Now, in case you hadn’t noticed, clueing you in to how I think is what this podcast is all about, and the reason I do this is, of course, completely selfish. You see, I’m hoping that by selling you my unconventional personality, I can later sell you something else that you might otherwise not want to buy. The whole thing is a huge plot to swindle you, that I gleefully undertake because, (a) I NEED to feel superior to other people in order to feel good about myself, and (b) I WANT the large piles of cash that this podcast and its conceptual offspring will undoubtedly net.

Now before I boastfully point out that I managed to work stellar examples of need and want into the first 60 seconds of this show, and that you are definitely getting your money’s worth, I must apologise to all those listeners who took that first 60 seconds seriously. Would that we lived in a world where everyone understood irony, but sadly this is not the case. For all of those people who are now vociferously saying “Fuck you, Todd Brunner, ya big penis!”, it’s OK, really. I realise that you NEED to find scapegoats to focus your anger at. I also know that, at heart, you just WANT to be loved. Oops, there I go again. I don’t seem to be able to help myself.

What I really want to talk about here is this: It’s better to want than to need. People definitely prefer to be wanted. If all relationships were based on want only, the world would be a much more peaceful and harmonious place. If I want someone, it’s a compliment to that person. It’s really nice to be wanted. People want to be celebrities because they want to be wanted. That’s a mouthful, but it’s true. And another truth is, it’s actually healthy to want and be wanted. Being wanted means that you have worth to someone else for whoever you are whatever it is you may do. This is good for self esteem. When you want someone, it’s because you value them. In other words, and this is the important part people, it’s about them and not about you.

Needs are different. They are about dealing with a deficiency inside of you. When you attempt to satisfy a need, you are attempting to fill a hole within yourself. So when you tell someone you need them, it is not a compliment, because it is about you and not at all about them. No one wants to be needed. It is a chore and an obligation to be the subject of someone’s need. It should not make you feel good when someone says that they need you. If it does, you are probably misinterpreting need for want. Or perhaps they are.

This brings us to the big problem regarding the topic. Most people don’t understand the difference between the two terms, or just use the words interchangeably, as if they both mean the same thing. They don’t. Certainly there would no problem if we were all telepathic and always knew exactly what everyone else was thinking. But as this is not the case, we are often misunderstood by each other. And as if this isn’t bad enough, a lot of people are very happy to need and be needed, understanding fully what this means.

This brings us to the real meat of this podcast, which comes in the form of this zinger of a question: Is it OK to need and be needed? Now if you’re wondering why this is such a zinger of a question, then let me spell it out like this: All relationships past and present that end, do so because someone’s needs are not being satisfied. And given that the failure rate of relationships is much higher than the success rate (although the greater part of the human race generally likes to ignore this statistic), it would stand to reason that requiring one’s needs to be fulfilled by another person is a not a terribly good idea.

It’s a sad statement about today’s society that most of us are quite happy to pass responsibility for our own lives off to someone else and then trash that person when they fail to live up to the task. Sadly, most of us are looking for someone to make us feel better about ourselves. If this is what most relationships are based upon – and I strongly suspect that it is – there is really no mystery as to why the success/failure ratio is so pathetically bad.

Interestingly enough we don’t seem to do this to to our platonic friends. More often than not they are safe from all the need stuff that we are more than happy to pile on our partners. Our friends are in our lives because we WANT them to be. They are not there to satisfy any needs other than that of good old fashioned companionship. But when it comes to our boyfriends or girlfriends, wives or husbands, we don’t hesitate to dump all our need shit on them without reservation.

Wouldn’t it be a much nicer world if we only had people in our live because we wanted them? Wouldn’t it be refreshing if we weren’t such pathetic wretches that need shoring up by someone else all the time? What if we all just took responsibility for satisfying our own needs and dealing with our own inadequacies personally? What if we worked on making ourselves strong confident individuals so that we actually represented an attractive option for a potential life partner? It’s a lot of “what ifs” I know, and more than can be discussed in this podcast. But I shall be returning to this subject frequently in future shows.

The main point I’m trying to make here (and after the last show, I must be sure to actually make it), is that relationships would be MUCH better, richer and ultimately more satisfying for all of us if we didn’t jump into them with such a huge checklist of expectations. We tend to default into the mindset of needing others to fix things in us that I think we should be repairing ourselves. Likewise we tend to need other people to perform certain tasks in our lives so that we can be satisfied. In my opinion these are responsibilities that lie with each of us, not with our chosen partners or friends.

I don’t need people in my life. Those in it are there because I love and respect them. I invite people into my life because I want them there. No one needs to keep me from falling over and I don’t need servicing.

Of course I wasn’t always like this. I used to be needy like everyone else, until I became embarrassed that humanity is so socially inept, and felt that we could be better. I still do, but it’s going to take a lot of work and lot of years.

Am I saying that people are shit? No, not individually. But as a species we’re not terribly brilliant socially. However, my appreciation of the individual person has has grown immeasurably over the past few years. But that, again, is the subject of another podcast.