Hiya people. I’m back. Once again I went away for awhile and once again I have returned. And while I keep telling myself that this type of behaviour must certainly stop if I intend to build any kind of audience for anything that I do, I fear that that circumstances may again deter me from my noble ambitions sometime in the future. It seems to be a repeating theme. But let me say this: I do fully intend to make this show a regular weekly thing as soon as my life will allow it. What’s more, I also still intend on launching a second show, a video podcast, as soon as I can find an appropriate person to host it, or in fact, decide on just which one of my many fine podcast ideas to actually pursue. Perhaps if I wanted to be very “social web-ish” I would post all my ideas and let my massive fanbase decide for me. But no, that would give sleazy and sneaky web entrepreneurs the opportunity to steal my ideas and become the next big internet celebrity instead of me. And that aint gonna happen. No, I think I’ll decide myself, and soon, I promise.

So anyway. What I want to tell you about today is what happened when Griffin, Rex and I discovered a huge bag full of illegal drugs in the bushes up on Pembury Road. For rich background, the only thing you really need to know about Pembury Road is that it longish, reasonably straight, has a very nice paved foot and bike path on one side and is bordered largely by a either a strip of woodland or fields on the footpath side. Now normally I would be up there by myself, walking my 5 miles every other day and either enjoying the tranquil sounds of heavy traffic or pounding my brain with the music of female pop divas at excruciating volume, but this particular day was different.

I have been badgering Rex and Griffin to get in shape and lose weight ever since we had moved beyond the touchy, feelie, exploratory phase of the relationship some time after our “20 pints together” anniversary. Needless to say these guys are seriously out of shape – not to say that I am any icon of manly fitness, but at least I try. And while it is frankly impossible to visualise either of them running (as I do on alternating days with the Pembury walk, at least before the Sciatic Nerve damage a few weeks ago), I was gratified to hear that they were both agreeable to accompanying me on the 5 mile Pembury walk. I knew of course that, should either of them manage to go the entire distance, they would be incapacitated for at least 48 hours afterwards and would, in a worst case situation, require hospitalisation, intravenous nutrients and icepacks. But being the kind of charitable mate that I am, I allowed them to accompany me, with the one stipulation that, if they started lagging behind I would abandon them like a shot.

As it happened, they didn’t do that badly on the physical front. While sweating considerably more than me in the summer heat, neither of them was anywhere close to complete collapse. And even though I had to vehemently discourage Griff from firing up a fag on several occasions, fearing the smoke intake could trigger a heart attack under these circumstances, all went pretty well until we were on our way back and on the last 1.5 miles of the walk.

Although I must admit that I did not foresee the failure of both men’s bladders at precisely the same instant, I am known in many quarters as man prepared for anything. This is complete crap of course, but in this case I was indeed more than prepared, because no more than 47 seconds after the two of them started whining like a couple of schoolgirls, we arrived at the entrance to the Pembury Road Pissing Grounds. So it works like this: if you are going to walk the entire length of Pembury Road, twice, there is at some point going to be the occasion where you need to pee. And amazingly, there is only one place along that entire length where you can do this, comfortably and with full privacy from both foot and vehicular traffic as well as local residents and their voyeuristic tendencies. I had discovered this fine small area of dense woodland copse, accessible only by a small opening in the untamed shrubbery, after many months of intense research and controversial animal testing.

Now it is important to note that when not being used for its proper purpose as the PRPG, this fine piece of Exemplary British Suburban Woodland™ also serves two additional purposes, namely as the Royal Tunbridge Wells Teenage Drug Testing and Sexual Enlightenment Centre, and The Pembury Fellowship for Inhumane Free Homeless Accommodation. I believe that it was in its capacity as the former of these that the seed of our present tale was sewn.

It was mere seconds after I had guided Griff and Rex through the hole in the shrubbery and they were happily contributing to the water table of Tunbridge Wells, that I spotted the telltale Sainsburys bag on the ground, uncomfortably near Rex’s stream. Yes, I admit that my first thought as I approached the bag was of hundreds of £50 notes which I would secretly stuff in my shirt whilst the boys peed innocently unaware. But when I actually opened the bag, I was greeted by something almost as good.

I guess this is the part where I come clean and admit that yes, I have been known to indulge in illegal drugs of various types both in the past and in the present. I should also point out that I am not a drug addict , a pervert, a sexual deviant, or someone of dubious social desirability. Most of all, I am not a criminal. Criminals are people who do bad things to other people, and there are unfortunately a lot of them in the world. I’m just a guy who likes to unwind after a hard days work with something other than what has been proscribed by the governments of the world as being “acceptable”.

And with that you may already have surmised that we have now reached the part of the podcast where I briefly talk about something I feel passionate about, as I did last episode with the Twitter/Facebook thing, which I so cleverly integrated into the narrative. Well this time I’m not going to be quite so clever or subtle, as this one is a little bit nearer and dearer to my heart and needs saying very plainly and with no frills. So in order to accomplish this with greater success than I probably would have, I hereby quote the Transform Drug Policy Foundation:

“The drug problem is vast and seemingly intractable. Billions in government funds are spent every year attempting to eliminate the supply and use of illegal drugs. Yet every year these drugs are used by millions more people across the globe.

There is increasingly clear evidence that the attempt to eliminate drugs is not only ineffective, but counterproductive. It has created an illegal market that fuels crime and violence from Bogata to Brixton, and whose criminal reach extends from money laundering to political corruption, from civil war to terrorism.

But these problems are not created by the drugs themselves. They are a direct result of the international policy that creates this vast illegal market: prohibition. Just as it did in 1920s America, prohibition stimulates crime by turning lucrative markets over to gangsters.

And, in failing to eliminate drugs, prohibition not only creates crime but simultaneously increases the dangers of drugs themselves. By placing their supply and use outside the law, it maximizes the harm they cause both to users and to wider society.”

“Transform Drug Policy Foundation exists to promote sustainable health and wellbeing by bringing about a just, effective and humane system to regulate and control drugs at local, national and international levels.”

Please visit the Transform site at http://www.tdpf.org.uk to find out more about how the UK government and the other governments of the world are taking the piss with your money and your civil liberties, while having zero effect on illegal drug use and its related crime. Find out what can be done about it and how you can help. If you are not a UK resident, the site is still an incredible resource on the global issue, and you can find links to a group in your country. Also if you are listening to this rather than reading the blog post, please go to the blog post at mankindsucks.com and download the attached file which is a leaflet about Transform and the global drug prohibition problem. Feel free to distribute this leaflet as you please.

One more word on the subject before we continue with our story. It is estimated that drug-motivated crime resulting from prohibition is costing the UK £19 billion per year (one third of the total cost of UK crime). That’s a lot of your of YOUR money being spent on something that is largely ineffective. I think the police have better things to do with their resources and so do they. This is a much bigger problem than you probably think it is.

And now we return to our story, already in progress...

Inside the Sainsburys bag was another large clear plastic bag. I pulled it out and held it up for the boys to see. The bag contained approximately fifty to sixty small paper envelopes of the type anyone who has ever indulged in any form of powder based drugs is familiar with. “Holy Crap!” were the words that miraculously escaped from all three of our mouths at the same time, as I sat the bag down on the ground and extracted an envelope. The boys followed suit and soon we were all carefully opening our paper parcels, with looks of nervous anticipation on our faces. You see, there were three main ways that this could go, and each had its own separate set of implications. We all suddenly and simultaneously realised that fate had rather unceremoniously delivered us a bombshell, and that it was about to blow. We just didn’t know how yet.

To be continued...