Spontaneous Combustion

This is either when you explode from inside your body, due to standing carelessly on a dodgy ley line, or you’re a fat bastard falling asleep by the gas fire. Scientists/skeptics/quacks tend to disagree on the cause, but are in agreement with the results – a remaining single shin bone (usually the left one) with some flesh and gristle still intact. Undertakers and grieving relatives will always be pleased with this kind of death. The funeral will be simple and cost relatively little – a shoe box sufficing for the coffin, and a nice knee sock instead of a shroud.

Speared by Uncooked Spaghetti

This can only happen if a) you are indeed about to prepare a magnificent spaghetti dish and b) a helicopter is flying in your vicinity and is about to crash. The outcome is always the same: the helicopter explodes and the force of the blast sends the strands of still rigid spaghetti into your body, piercing vital organs.

Choking on a Bogie

Yes, it has probably happened, so the best advice I can give you is forget about that lazy midnight snack! You’ve got your bogie (or someone else’s) on your finger and you’re too tired to get out of bed – don’t eat it! Simply wipe it on the head board and remove it in the morning, no one will ever know.

Eating Feathers

This is similar to the choking on bogies, except you choke to death on feathers.

Meeting your Doppelganger

They say everyone has a doppelganger, fine! But, woe betide you if you ever come face to face with them and of course, they with you! You will both die, or have to resort to rock, paper, scissors to decide your fate? I forget. By the way, Gordon Ramsey, your doppelganger lives at no 9 Chestnut Road, Slough, if you fancy joining him for a cuppa.